Is It Okay to Go to Bed Angry with Your Spouse?
The age-old advice of never going to bed angry with your spouse is a well-known adage. It suggests that couples should resolve their conflicts before heading off to sleep, ensuring that no lingering negative emotions fester overnight. But is this advice always practical and effective? The Gottman Institute, a renowned authority on relationships and marriage, has a unique perspective on this matter. In this article, we will explore whether it's okay to go to bed angry with your spouse and delve into the insights provided by the Gottman Institute regarding conflict resolution in relationships.
Understanding Conflict in Relationships
Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. It arises when two individuals with different backgrounds, personalities, and preferences come together. Disagreements can range from minor issues like household chores to more significant concerns like financial decisions or parenting styles. It's essential to recognize that conflicts themselves are not inherently bad for a relationship. In fact, they can serve as opportunities for growth, understanding, and strengthening the bond between partners.
The Gottman Institute's Perspective
The Gottman Institute, founded by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, is well-known for its research-based approach to relationships and marriage. They have conducted extensive studies over decades, observing couples in real-life situations, and have developed valuable insights into conflict resolution.
According to the Gottman Institute, it's not always necessary to resolve every conflict before going to bed. Their research has identified two types of conflicts: solvable and perpetual.
Solvable conflicts: These are specific issues that can be addressed and resolved through effective communication, compromise, and problem-solving. Examples include deciding how to manage household finances or planning a vacation. The Gottman Institute encourages couples to work together to find solutions to these types of conflicts, preferably before bedtime.
Perpetual conflicts: These are issues that tend to resurface repeatedly in a relationship because they are rooted in fundamental differences in personality, values, or preferences. For example, one partner may be naturally more spontaneous, while the other prefers a strict routine. According to the Gottman Institute, it's normal for couples to have perpetual conflicts that may not have a clear-cut solution. In such cases, it's okay to "agree to disagree" and not insist on resolving the issue before going to bed.
For those interested in delving deeper into these principles and discovering additional strategies for nurturing a thriving relationship, the Gottman Institute recommends a valuable resource – the book 'Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection,' co-authored by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.
This insightful book offers a wealth of guidance on constructive conflict resolution and strengthening the bond between partners.
The Importance of Emotional Regulation
One of the key reasons the Gottman Institute supports the idea of not always resolving conflicts before bedtime is the concept of emotional regulation. When conflicts become heated and emotions run high, attempting to resolve the issue immediately can often do more harm than good.
Emotional regulation involves managing your emotions, especially the negative ones, in a healthy way. When couples engage in intense arguments late at night, fatigue and heightened emotions can lead to poor communication, hurtful words, and a worsening of the conflict. In such situations, it may be more beneficial to take a break, cool off, and revisit the issue when both partners are in a calmer state of mind.
The Gottman Institute recommends implementing the "Time-Out" strategy when conflicts become too heated. This involves agreeing to pause the discussion and giving each other space to calm down before returning to the conversation with a clearer perspective and a more constructive approach.
Avoiding the "Four Horsemen"
The Gottman Institute has also identified what they refer to as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" in relationships. These are destructive communication patterns that can escalate conflicts and lead to the deterioration of a partnership. They include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
When couples attempt to resolve conflicts late at night, they may be more prone to engaging in these destructive behaviours due to fatigue and frustration. By postponing the discussion and allowing emotions to settle, couples can reduce the likelihood of these harmful patterns surfacing.
The Role of Repair Attempts
Repair attempts are crucial in conflict resolution, according to the Gottman Institute. A repair attempt is any action or statement that aims to de-escalate tension and reconnect with your partner during a conflict. These can be as simple as saying, "Can we take a break and revisit this later?" or offering a gesture of affection like a hug.
When couples choose to go to bed angry with the intention of addressing the issue later, they can use repair attempts to signal to their partner that they are still invested in the relationship and committed to resolving the conflict in a healthy way.
So, is it okay to go to bed angry with your spouse? The answer lies in striking a balance. While addressing solvable conflicts promptly is essential, it's also acceptable to delay discussions on perpetual conflicts until both partners are in a calmer state. According to the Gottman Institute, the key is to prioritize emotional regulation, use repair attempts, and commit to revisiting the issue calmly. These practices are essential for understanding conflict dynamics and achieving resolution in relationships.
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